As I sit here on January 2nd, 2018 at 4:46 a.m., (weird, 2018). I can’t help but want to sit and write a reflection on this past year, think about some New Years Resolutions and gather my thoughts, or whatever you’re supposed to do at the end of the year.
2017 was not my year. Starting 2017, I felt very trapped and very anxious about the way my life was heading. Still stuck in school. Still stuck in my bartending job that I hated. Still stuck in my parents house. All of these things, haunted me everyday. Anxiety turned into depression and I took myself away from the world. I broke up with my boyfriend and cut off friends. Long story short, it took a spontaneous trip to Phoenix, Arizona, a what I would call a “quarter life crisis,” and a new apartment to pull my life back together.
At the beginning of March, I flew to Phoenix and spent the day there by myself, let me tell you, when you are across the country watching the sun rise, drinking coffee, by yourself, you definitely do some serious soul searching. While I was there, I thought to myself how cool it is that I can do this, want to go on vacation and do it, which is something I won’t be able to do forever. In that same thought, I found some weird acceptance of where my life was at. I waited for that feeling to go away, except it never did, nobody’s journey is the same, mine is going at the exact pace God wanted it to.
I accepted myself and where my life was at, which also made me realize that I had made some bad decisions. I moved in with the boyfriend that I had taken for granted, I appreciate the friends that made it through my crisis so much more now, I am a year further into school and will finally earn my degree in 2018. I am at a new serving job that I love and has given me some of my very good friends. And I am happy.
As I finish these last few semesters, I will also be coaching competitive cheer and AAU volleyball, while working two jobs. There will be so much on my plate, so here’s a personal note to stay calm in 2018, do not let your anxiety get into your head and handle your shit instead of losing it. Basically, my new years resolution is to take less naps.
In 2018, I want to work out more, write more, be a better coach and practice a little more self love. These things probably sound very cliche, I know but these things are all key to a lot of my long term goals.
In 2017, I struggled and went through phases of working out, there were times when I worked out for days, worked out for weeks and at one point I did it for a couple months. In 2018, I want to hold myself accountable for working out and eating better, the entire year. I have all of the things and resources I need right in front of me to make those two things happen. I not only want these things for me but I want them for my boyfriend as well. I want to be someone he can look at and be proud to love, I also want to provide a healthy lifestyle for the both of us. Personal note that this doesn’t mean I still won’t love pizza and beer.
In 2017, I struggled financially, paying for school while trying to maintain your lifestyle is hard and is something we twenty-somethings have to go through. Believe me, I know I could still be living with my parents and every older person has told me that a thousand times, but the financial stress is no where near the stress I felt when I was living at home. I’ve learned that financial struggle will always be a part of life and when it rains it really fucking rains hard, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even when you’re checking your bank account before you swipe your card to make sure you can pay for groceries that week. I have got to believe it gets better and hard work pays off. However, there were some times in 2017 when I really felt stressed about money and in 2018, I want to do a better job of spending my money wisely, yes I deserve nice things but I also deserve to have a good future, and when I am in a position to save money, I should do it.
In 2017, I started this blog with the intentions of writing 5 times a week, instead I completed about 5 REAL posts that I put real thought into. Self reflection has always been important to me and I did not give myself enough time to do that this year, and it showed in my anxiety. I like to write, even if people don’t see these things, people didn’t see my tumblr in high school either but that didn’t keep me from spilling my teenage heart out to the internet (kkeennzzz.tumblr.com). It helps me to write, to get my thoughts out, even if no one read this, I would feel better knowing I could go back and read this in a year. Because, again, personal note, I am so done comparing myself to others and caring what people think about me, in 2018, the only person I will compare myself to is the person I was before. In 2018, I will practice self love, which I want to express in writing, so on my weak days, I have a good reminder of who the hell I am. I am hardworking and I am strong.
In 2017, I went through some struggles as a coach and also became not only a volleyball coach but a competitive cheer coach, in 2018, I want to be a better coach, I want to be able to pass not only my knowledge and skill of the game, but my passion for the game as well. Every girl deserves to feel the empowerment I got to feel whether it was on the volleyball court or on the cheer mat, but I get the opportunity to produce an environment for girls to feel that way and I am so lucky to have that platform. Being a coach is one of the best parts of me and I want to let that part take over a little bit more of my life this year.
In 2017, I lost myself and found myself. I am 24, I am healthy, I am living with a man that I am in love with and I am in a position to make 2018 the best year yet and damn it, I’m optimistic, here goes nothing.
In 2017, I struggled, in 2018, I will progress.
Finding Balance. 