I’ve been telling myself it’s time to write something more personal for a little over a week now. I’ve been pretty numb these past couple weeks and my blog posts have been a little surface-area-ish. But I am trying to compartmentalize my feelings and to focus my passion and energy into things that better myself: my career, coaching, and getting to the gym.
It’s been two years since I started my “Fitness Journey” ughhhh… I hate that phrase. When I think of where I started, I usually like to think it was two years ago. But recently, I’ve realized it has been so much longer than that and when I think of the transformation I have made from 17 to now… it’s crazy, the places and the people I have been.
You might have re-read that to make sure that you read that right- and you did. The people I have been. I believe that as human beings we have to adapt to our surroundings and if you don’t- you drown. I am not the same person I was when I was 17 and 19, when I was 21 and when I was 23. Those people are all versions of me and their experiences have an immense impact on who I am now but they are not who I am today. Physically, mentally, spiritually- we are not the same.
When I was a senior in high school, I tore my ACL and gained 10 pounds and as a senior girl, this was absolutely devastating to me, I lost muscle tone and gained fat, for the first time in my life. After realizing that boys in high school actually like girls with boobs and an ass, I didn’t mind- after all, I was still skinny, just not as skinny as I used to be. And I ate all the McDonald’s and drank all the pop I wanted.
This was Spring Break in 2011. (I was 10 pounds heavier than I had been in September of 2010)
After graduation, I had heard all about the Freshman 15 and how hard it was to keep weight off after you change your lifestyle completely. And truth be told, when I left for Western, I was determined to not let that be me. I would work out at the student center, in my dorm room, any time I could. Of course, I ate awful dorm snacks and partied way too much- but I was happy and only put on a few, unnoticeable pounds.
This is September of 2012. Start of my sophomore year of college.
In 2012, I went through excruciatingly hard experiences. This was by far, the worst year of my life. Very seldom did I work out and the partying increased even more with my group of friends. And 2013 showed it- but not enough for me to want to make a change.
June 2013.
By no means was I fat or chubby, but it was to the point where I started to notice that I wasn’t the same as a lot of my friends. I mean, we all drank all the same drinks and ate all the same late night Zorba’s meals. In 2013, I was still trying to get over the hardship that was 2012- this led to things that weren’t always the best for me. I was transforming into a careless and selfish person, it was September of this year I wanted to not transform on the outside- but transform on the inside instead.
End of Summer 2014.
The summer of 2014 still holds some of the best memories I have ever made. I had started spending more time with different people than I used to and I thought I was finally moving past 2012. I know this sounds silly, but I started listening to One Direction and quite literally- my life changed. All of the sudden, the main focus point in my life wasn’t a party on a summer night or a boy(okay, I still liked beer and boys, sue me)- it was them. I was completely consumed by their music and how it made me feel every emotion possible- including genuine happiness. In 2014, I didn’t have the label of shady, a slut, a degenerate- I was just the girl who was obsessed with One Direction. I started working at B-Dubs and I was a pretty happy person, yeah I was still partying a lot and eating late night snacks-but I wasn’t out being a shitty person. This was the rise of my personal transformation and the fall of my physical. 21 hit me like a ton of bricks.
August 2015- Cleveland One Direction concert
In 2015, I fell in love- and not with a guy from One Direction. With an authentic, sincere and loving MAN. The summer of 2015 we started seeing each other and I was completely consumed by him. And when you’re in love- you tend to lose sight of things like what you’re eating and how little you’re going to the gym and even the couple of extra pounds that cling to you- because YOU’RE FINALLY HAPPY. I had a couple family members try to make hints but truly, I just didn’t want to hear it. Or I would tell myself “I’ll start next week.” My mental transformation in this year is one of the things I am most proud of in my life. I am a better person for having dated Dan. The end of 2015 all the way to 2016- I was no longer the girl I was, I grew up, I was in a committed relationship (sometimes on and off) but the bottom line was- I was so damn in love and he loved me regardless of what was under my clothes.
December 2016.
December rolled around and we went to Florida for my sister’s birthday. As the trip came closer, I started to panic- the thought of being in a bathing suit gave me so much anxiety it made me sick. All year I had been trying new diets and new work outs and then quitting weeks later. And then I saw on the scale: 181 pounds. I couldn’t believe what I saw, I wanted to make myself throw up right then and there.
I vowed to myself that I had made the inner transformation I was looking for and now it was time for a physical change. And at a perfect time- the start of a new year. In 2017, Dan and I moved in together- I got a gym membership, I started meal prepping for us and we decided to do it together and we did really well for a while. Of course, we fell off and on- but for the most part, we did pretty well.
July 2017.
2017 became a really good year for us- mentally and physically. I had started going to the gym and learning how to really lift weights (Thanks, Jeffro). And by the end of 2017, I was starting to finally hear the words “You look great!” “Have you lost weight?”
I don’t think people tell you how important it is to incorporate weight lifting into your work out. I really believe I lost weight as fast as I did because of this. Not only does it make you feel better, but the way your body changes is genuinely one of the coolest things in the world.
In 2018, we continued our “journey,” sure we fell off a couple times and I had days where I wanted nothing to do with the gym, but I tried to keep it as consistent as I could. In 2018, I became the Varsity coach at Flat Rock and I finally understood the word stress. After wins, we would go get a couple beers. After losses, we would get even more beer. My weight was rising and all I could do was cry and be frustrated at myself. The anxiety and stress of constantly wondering what people thought about me was becoming too much to handle. I would sleep all day- because I couldn’t face the reality that I MIGHT be getting big again, I couldn’t let myself get back to that point. After volleyball ended, I vowed I would get back in the gym and make a real lifestyle change.
I finally had a routine and by the beginning of 2019- I was pretty happy where I was at. I was staying busy working multiple jobs and coaching, but always making time to go to the gym4-6 times a week.
And then I got my first desk job….. The adjustment (as I’ve mentioned in previous posts) has been an exasperating process. Working 3 jobs and remembering to pay bills- while coaching, trying to salvage a relationship and keep friendships is hard. This week is actually the first time since I started in April that I have made it to the gym all 5 days.
My First “Progress” Picture
I hope this isn’t taken as bragging. It gives me the most intense anxiety to talk about how far I let myself go. I don’t let photos of myself from 2015-early 2017 surface.
But, as human beings, we adapt, I started having a more conscious idea of what I was putting in my body and the importance of meal prepping lunches and counting calories. I get to the gym more regularly and when I can’t I use my resources as a coach- bleachers, weight room and oh wait, A WHOLE GYMNASIUM. Yes, I am proud of how far I have come, physically- but recently, I’ve been worrying myself and questioning decisions I have made.
As a human, it also means I have flaws and while I am proud, I am not too proud to admit them- I have become addicted to hearing that I’m skinny. I have become addicted to the attention that I receive on social media sites. It eases my anxiety to know that I am attractive to people. And there it is- the real and raw truth of a “fitness journey.” Becoming so consumed in the attention you get that you forget the person you fought so hard to be in the first place.
As a coach and a role-model for young girls, this is where I put my foot down to myself. As someone who has worked too damn hard to grow up mentally, I am putting my foot down. In order to put more focus and passion in to things that actually matter, you have to challenge yourself and take away your distractions.
With that being said, I have decided to “Log Off” social media for a while. Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat- makes you so accessible and available to the world. Most of those people being people who could actually care less about you and your well-being. Ladies, your future husband is probably NOT the guy you talk to on Snapchat messaging and he’s not the guy that slides into your DM’s past midnight. And let me be clear, I don’t think that people who use these sites are bad people and I don’t think that logging off of them for a while automatically makes me a better person. But for me, it’s something I have to prove to myself- that I still am a hardworking, kind hearted, kinda skinny/muscly person and I don’t need to prove it to others on social media.
The journey never ends and your transformation is never complete and there are things in this world that will try to deter you from your path. But remembering why you want to make a change in the first place and taking a break to remind yourself can sometimes be the answer. Focus on what’s real, what’s right in front of you and what is best for you.
Humility. Modesty. Selflessness. Focus.
I am done seeking validation in likes and views of my stories. I know who I am and how hard I have worked to become her- and I know who I will not revert back into.
Finding Balance. 